All The Emotions

Alright, friends. In short, from November to today, it’s been quite the ride. A lot of you have been with us since day 1 of our adoption journey so I felt it only right to be transparent about whats been going on. Please know that we were not allowed to post anything on social media and were told to only share with a small circle of people. It was not our desire to leave people out and we were looking forward to giving you all good news!

Right after Thanksgiving, we were given the opportunity to complete paperwork to possibly be matched with a child. The process was intense and the specific match was not promised. The odds weren’t necessarily in our favor but we felt like we needed to try, we didn’t want to regret anything. We were told we should know if it was a match by Christmas. Can you imagine? After 3 1/2 years of waiting, we could meet our child around Christmas! Our attachment for this child grew through the few pictures and videos we had along with praying daily for them. We were continually reminded that we needed to be aware the Ministry of Justice might not choose us for their forever home. I found it really hard to be 50% in it to win it and 50% emotionally unattached. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s impossible. So we waited. Then we got word that the MOJ would not meet before Christmas. So, Christmas came and went and each day in January we waited.

And that brings us to February 5th. A call from our agency saying we were not chosen for this child’s family. Now, I would bet your first reaction is “WHY NOT? They deserve to be their family!” No? Maybe I’m the only one who thought that. And this brings me to a couple things I want to dive into.

  1. Emotions.  Yup, they’re there. I feel them all. Sad. Numb. Irritated. Worn. Rejected.
  2. It’s not about me. We learned shortly after we started the adoption process, adoption is not about us. It’s easy to think it is. I mean, this is how we are choosing to grow our family. But here’s the deal, we are not “settling” for second best by adopting a child who doesn’t have a family to care for them. It is an honor to love another one’s child who chose to allow them to live and have a chance at life, even if it meant the birth parents wouldn’t be around for it. These kiddos deserve THE BEST family for them. How can I argue with that?
  3. There is one less orphan in the world! This beautiful child got a forever family. I tried to imagine what the new family did and felt when they got the opposite call that I got. Did they jump up and down? Did they cry with joy? How long had they waited for that call? What is their story? All of my thoughts. No, I’m not jealous of them. Adoptive families don’t have the same journey but we share similar mountains and valleys. No doubt they have had their fair share of trials. I’m so happy they get the chance to love this child we prayed for the last 2 months.
  4. Empathy. As I reflect and search myself, I realized something. I think I got a glimpse of what families who are in the fertility treatment journey or families who have experienced a failed adoption (and possibly even foster care?). Waiting turns into hope, a face, a test result. You’re all in and have great expectations and dreams. Then in one phone call, it comes crashing down. Everything you worked for feels like it wasn’t enough. This is just an observation so if I have spoken out of turn, please forgive me. I want to continue to learn and grow through heartbreaks so I can be more sensitive to others.

In closing, we continue to wait. I 100% believe that God has the child He set aside for us and in His perfect timing, we will become their parents. It doesn’t make the wait go faster but it allows me to put my trust in God rather than in a system.


Side note: Next week I’ll be posting an exciting gift we received last week! The whole story to come!


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